So...

I don't really know how to start... I have no idea how to use this Blogger thing, I just finished my over an hour long struggle with making this layout thingy XD


I'm an 18 year old girl, living in Poland. Mistakes possible, so forgive me, since English is not my first language (but I like ranting in English better).
Ex drug/alcohol adict, desperately trying to lose weight. I'm not even sure if I do have any ED. I used to throw up after eating or starve myself, but I was switching options so to say. My therapist says that there is something wrong with my attitude towards food, but she does not know what. Great.

Basically, I hate myself. I look in the mirror and see a fat cow. It makes me wanna crawl somewhere and just fucking die. So I need to lose weight, I need to be skinny and fragile cause unfortunately it's probably the only way I can feel like I'm worth anything.

I'm also a control freak, as can be seen in the title. I feel a constant need to control every aspect of my life. So I control myself when I'm with people (never to look stupid, never to say something stupid, never to let anyone think something negative about me in general or my appearance). I control myself when I'm at home, alone. Even dancing when nobody is watching is a hard thing for me, since I see how stupid I look. Not mentioning dancing in public... And I fucking love to dance. So when I go out I have to drink to be able to dance, but even when I'm drunk I control myself. Yes, I know it sounds silly, but I really do. I just stop talking at some point. And then I drink myself till I drop. Never danced on the table, never took my clothes off, never sang out loudly. Full control. I control myself when I'm with my boyfriend (and we've been together for almost two years now). Couple of weeks ago was the first time I was singing something that was on the radio in front of him. Weird, isn't it?). And I control myself when eating. Right now I'm trying to restrict.

But even though I can eat small amounts of food, I still am not satisfied. What is annoying, is that I actually enjoy eating. Food is, well, tasty. Sadly, eating it makes me wanna kill myself, so I guess our relationship is not the easiest one.

I'm hiding the eating problem as well as some SI related problems from everyone. Also the control thing. I just have to be perfect in their eyes. Perfect people don't have eating problems and don't cut. Perfect people don't do drugs and don't drink so much. But hiding is difficult and I'm really sick of it. What more, I always preferd to write what I think and feel than talking about it, so I will write.


For some basic info I'm 5'7 ft (168cm) tall and I weight 132.3 lbs (60kg). The goal weight is around 121.3 lbs (55kg) until mid February (my senior ball. I will be skinny on senior ball pics). The ultimate hapiness is between 110 lbs and 105 lbs.

Oh, also, I will post some thinspo photos if I manage to find out how to do it. XD

So... Let it all begin.