Fucking bad day.

Argument with mom. I hate being yelled at. It makes me feel unsafe. It makes me eat like crazy. So I ate. Pizza, cookies, yogurt. Sandwiches. Then half litre of coke, now litre of multivitamin juice. I've felt bad the whole fucking day. Then argument with the boyfriend. "What's the point of being together?". I know he doesn't want to break up, at least I hope so. It hurts anyway.
Stuck between the booze and a razor. Don't know what to do. I don't want to go back there, it's not worth it and it was shit hard to become free again. Either way is bad. There is also worse way. Way that made me skinny long time ago. Way that made me nver hungry, always calm, in control. Not caring. And skinny... It's the worst possible way. But the skinnyness and calmness make it look kind of attractive.

I'm so fucking sick of hating myself. Why can't I just be skinny? Is it that fucking much to ask for? Just skinny. Pretty legs. Arms. Stomach, face. Those looks on people's faces. "Wow, have you seen her? She's so thin." etc instead of the same looks but towards my skinny friends.
I guess I tent to make myself unhappy. Only skinny, pretty friends. Maybe to see what I aim for? To motivate? But most of the time it just makes me realise what I am NOT.

My therapist says I have to stop controling myself so much. But how can I stop controling if being out of control is the most terrifying thing I can think of? What does it even mean?!


More and more often I feel very small. Not good way small. Like... helpless. Like there is nothing I can do. Like I'm losing control. I can't lose control. But I am... More food, more urges to cut, more and more urges to get fucking drunk or high.
I just feel like losing weight might help? I don't know.
I have to exercise.