this is how it goes...

I finally started to lose weight. Fucking finally. controling the intake of calories, controling what I ate, being best friends with water. My friends at school is yelling at me for checking calories in everything all the time. So what. She does not get it. I feel like getting back in control again.
On the other hand, getting back to my old habits worries me more and more every day. Drinking too much. Cutting. I'm so pathetic, it all makes me want to laugh at myself. I was almost normal already. And now it's all getting weird.

I can't seem to organise my thoughts, words just run from my mouth too fast, like throwing up. I feel like I'm spinning and I get dizzy, I want to get off this freakin' merry - go - round, but I don't know the way out... Like I'm me and not me at the same time.

Music music music, all day long. Foals, Cassius is stuck in my head and won't go out. Let it be. It's a nice song.

shit shit shit

Fuck. my mom bought new bateries to the weight. God, I'm fucking fat. It's the Christmas, the pizzas, the food. I hate the food. Why did I let it happen? Stupid, fat cow...

Fucking bad day.

Argument with mom. I hate being yelled at. It makes me feel unsafe. It makes me eat like crazy. So I ate. Pizza, cookies, yogurt. Sandwiches. Then half litre of coke, now litre of multivitamin juice. I've felt bad the whole fucking day. Then argument with the boyfriend. "What's the point of being together?". I know he doesn't want to break up, at least I hope so. It hurts anyway.
Stuck between the booze and a razor. Don't know what to do. I don't want to go back there, it's not worth it and it was shit hard to become free again. Either way is bad. There is also worse way. Way that made me skinny long time ago. Way that made me nver hungry, always calm, in control. Not caring. And skinny... It's the worst possible way. But the skinnyness and calmness make it look kind of attractive.

I'm so fucking sick of hating myself. Why can't I just be skinny? Is it that fucking much to ask for? Just skinny. Pretty legs. Arms. Stomach, face. Those looks on people's faces. "Wow, have you seen her? She's so thin." etc instead of the same looks but towards my skinny friends.
I guess I tent to make myself unhappy. Only skinny, pretty friends. Maybe to see what I aim for? To motivate? But most of the time it just makes me realise what I am NOT.

My therapist says I have to stop controling myself so much. But how can I stop controling if being out of control is the most terrifying thing I can think of? What does it even mean?!


More and more often I feel very small. Not good way small. Like... helpless. Like there is nothing I can do. Like I'm losing control. I can't lose control. But I am... More food, more urges to cut, more and more urges to get fucking drunk or high.
I just feel like losing weight might help? I don't know.
I have to exercise.

Lalala

Oh I'm so fucking bored. And hungry.

Let's see, what I ate today.
Scrambled eggs for breakfest and tea with sugar. Then... a yogurt. Then loads of water. Two glasses of coke. And some fucking gummy strawberries that make me wanna throw up. Not too bad, since I tend to eat a lot when I'm home alone.

Watched Thirteen. It always makes me realise I will never be thirteen again. And that I don't really remember what I was doing when I was thirteen. I drunk my way through being a teen. Sad.


Nevermind. Argh I'm so fucking frustrated. I want to be pretty and thin. I want to look in the mirror and see myself pretty. I want to feel pretty finally. Fuckin shit. I need to do more exercises. And drink more water. Much more water.

So...

I don't really know how to start... I have no idea how to use this Blogger thing, I just finished my over an hour long struggle with making this layout thingy XD


I'm an 18 year old girl, living in Poland. Mistakes possible, so forgive me, since English is not my first language (but I like ranting in English better).
Ex drug/alcohol adict, desperately trying to lose weight. I'm not even sure if I do have any ED. I used to throw up after eating or starve myself, but I was switching options so to say. My therapist says that there is something wrong with my attitude towards food, but she does not know what. Great.

Basically, I hate myself. I look in the mirror and see a fat cow. It makes me wanna crawl somewhere and just fucking die. So I need to lose weight, I need to be skinny and fragile cause unfortunately it's probably the only way I can feel like I'm worth anything.

I'm also a control freak, as can be seen in the title. I feel a constant need to control every aspect of my life. So I control myself when I'm with people (never to look stupid, never to say something stupid, never to let anyone think something negative about me in general or my appearance). I control myself when I'm at home, alone. Even dancing when nobody is watching is a hard thing for me, since I see how stupid I look. Not mentioning dancing in public... And I fucking love to dance. So when I go out I have to drink to be able to dance, but even when I'm drunk I control myself. Yes, I know it sounds silly, but I really do. I just stop talking at some point. And then I drink myself till I drop. Never danced on the table, never took my clothes off, never sang out loudly. Full control. I control myself when I'm with my boyfriend (and we've been together for almost two years now). Couple of weeks ago was the first time I was singing something that was on the radio in front of him. Weird, isn't it?). And I control myself when eating. Right now I'm trying to restrict.

But even though I can eat small amounts of food, I still am not satisfied. What is annoying, is that I actually enjoy eating. Food is, well, tasty. Sadly, eating it makes me wanna kill myself, so I guess our relationship is not the easiest one.

I'm hiding the eating problem as well as some SI related problems from everyone. Also the control thing. I just have to be perfect in their eyes. Perfect people don't have eating problems and don't cut. Perfect people don't do drugs and don't drink so much. But hiding is difficult and I'm really sick of it. What more, I always preferd to write what I think and feel than talking about it, so I will write.


For some basic info I'm 5'7 ft (168cm) tall and I weight 132.3 lbs (60kg). The goal weight is around 121.3 lbs (55kg) until mid February (my senior ball. I will be skinny on senior ball pics). The ultimate hapiness is between 110 lbs and 105 lbs.

Oh, also, I will post some thinspo photos if I manage to find out how to do it. XD

So... Let it all begin.